Life Happens

In the past couple of months I have gone through several life changes and events both in my personal and professional life. And while I won’t be detailing what all has happened (since it involves other people), the series of events did make me think a lot about how to cope with change. 

Significant life changes are experienced on a very personal level and each situation is different. Each person will respond to the same type of event in very distinct ways depending on what all is going on and who it involves.

For example, say someone loses their job while having no savings and there not being many opportunities in the area they live. Some people in that situation would quite quickly and easily pack up their things and leave. Others would rather stay and hope for the best (either way it’s a gamble, with different odds of success). But what if the person losing their job has enough money saved up to live comfortably for some time and there’s a bunch of job openings available? Same event, completely different situation.

I’m not pretending to have all the answers and if anyone says they do, they’re full of it. That said, I will share three things that have helped to keep me grounded and tackle various challenges that life has thrown at me.

The Cards that we’re Dealt

First of all, I think it is important to recognize that quite frankly, shit happens. Like Monty Python’s song at the end of Life of Brian goes, “Life’s a piece of shit, when you look at it”. There are events that occur randomly. Many times in my life I got so wrapped up in the idea that life is fair that when it turned out it wasn’t … well … I was disappointed, demoralized and at times even depressed. In fact, this is so common that it even has a name, “fairness fallacy”.

I feel that because I live in the 21st century, I’ve been lulled into this false sense of security and comfort that our technology has allowed. We’ve effectively minimized the risks that natural events pose to us on a daily basis. But then a pandemic hits, an earthquake strikes or a hurricane arrives and our life can be upended over night.

And here’s the thing: even if we ever get to a place where we develop technology to fully terraform an entire planet and bend weather to our will, there is and always will be a margin of error. So instead of Earth responding with a tornado, it will be a slight mistake in the calculations or measurements that will cause a catastrophe.

In my experience, I’ve accepted that crazy unexpected stuff can happen and hope for the best. Ultimately, life is not guaranteed (in fact, quite the opposite if we look at where/how life forms in the universe)!

The Cards that we Share

Another thing I try to keep in mind at all times is that we people are a social species. Contrary to what theoretical physics frequently assumes, nobody is living in a vacuum. We’ll cross paths with each other. And while some will help us succeed, others will doom us. Regardless of their effect on our life, most people are just trying to do the best for themselves.

A recent podcast reminded me of the fact how our society often hyper focusses on success stories of individuals. That however has a major dark side to it, because it essentially implies that if success is individual, then so is failure. In other words, if rich people “deserve” to be rich, so do poor people “deserve” to be poor.

Not to mention that self-made ideology is in my view absolute horseshit. Nobody can make it alone. There is always a team of unsung people who have helped someone else succeed. And in fact, in most successful cases, the people at the top got there over the bodies of others, backstabbing people who helped them along the way, taking all the credit in the process.

I believe that we need to rely on each other and that involves recognizing when I need (or should) ask for help (as well as help others myself). I wouldn’t be where I am today without the help and support from my family, friends, acquaintances and even some occasional random encounters that left a mark on me.

The Cards that we Play

Lastly, I believe we people have free will. I know this is a point of philosophical contention, but I won’t be discussing that here. Assuming we do have agency, the difficult part is to be able to recognize what we as individuals can do. In certain situations, personal choice may seem borderline impossible or unfeasible.

One thing I’ve noticed time and time again when teaching Anger Management, DUI classes and other groups, is that the so called “sunk cost fallacy” plays a huge role in people’s lives. Basically, us unwilling to admit that we made a wrong decision and stubbornly keep supporting it.

I speak from experience when I say that it is incredibly difficult and humbling to admit that I was wrong. That I stuck out in a relationship for almost 6 years that was absolutely toxic (not at first). It was sobering and hard to acknowledge that physics research was not what I thought it would be, as well as recognizing what makes me happy and fulfills me. It often involved me swallowing my pride before being able to move on.

In order to exercise my ability to influence my life as much as I can, I need to examine all the proverbial cards available to me. Sometimes, the craziest of the ideas and most radical solutions (obviously, within legal / moral / ethical reason!!) are the ones that looking back I think were the best choices I’ve ever made.

Summary

Life is difficult and nobody knows the outcome until it actually happens. I realized that in order to keep my sanity and succeed as best as I could, I needed to identify and focus on the things that I could change (or at least affect in some way). Even still, despite my best efforts, sometimes the results were disappointing and demoralizing (at least temporarily). It all goes back to the first two points – that shit can randomly happen and that other people sometimes steered me in a great direction, while other times not so much.