The Greatest Djinn
Deep within the desert there was a lonely survivor of a plane crash. Phillip Waller awoke not knowing how long he was unconscious for – enough for his phone to be dead. After removing himself from the clutches of the seat, he checked for any survivors. He was seated at the very back of the plane and it seemed like everything in front of him got swallowed by the sand, or perhaps landed elsewhere. Desperate, he wrapped his shirt around his nose and mouth to protect himself from the whirling sand in the air. Placing his right hand above his eyes to somewhat shelter his vision, he could only see sand everywhere. So he chose a direction at random and hoped for the best.
Phillip was making sure to walk slowly to conserve his energy. After walking for a decent amount of time, he’d stop and look around. Upon seeing just more sand dunes, he’d continue onwards, doing his best to stay in a straight line. He knew that if he started turning, his hopes of surviving would be nonexistent. He would likely start going around in circles. The only thing that gave him a brief glimpse of hope was a small bottle of water that he got on the flight, tucked in the back pocket of his pants.
Some unknown amount of time passed before Phillip finally saw something interesting on his right. Squinting his eyes he tried to determine if it was just his mind playing tricks on him, or there was actually a shining object stuck in the sand. There was definitely something, making him think, how did I not see that sooner? Luck would have it, the object was only barely out of his line of walking, so he decided to check it out. Leveling his excitement, he made sure to not exert too much energy. Probably just some junk anyway, he thought.
Pressing on he kept an eye on the object he’d seen in order to not lose it in the shifting sands. Getting closer, there was no doubt about it, there was a shining object barely sticking out of the dune. Some excruciating steps later, he was able to conquer the hill and stand victorious above the mystifying object. Poking out of the sand like a lonely beard hair was some kind of a cup handle. And it appeared to be golden.
Awesome! Maybe people live nearby, Philip smiled hopefully as he bowed down to uncover the rest. The trapped object was a golden oil lamp. It had a nozzle at the other end from the handle. The rest of the lamp appeared to be sealed shut. Not only that, but from what he could tell, it was as if the lamp was melt precisely into this shape, all in one piece. Furthermore, it looked essentially intact, with no discoloration or bruises over it so it couldn’t have been lost in the sands for long. Turning the lamp around, he noticed an engraving on the bottom that read “TGD”.
That further increased Philip’s hopes of a nearby settlement or passing caravan. Holding onto the golden treasure, he forced his unwilling legs to take him all the way up the dune, where he’d get a better look around …
… at even more desert. Sand dunes everywhere. An infinite ocean of orange. “Fuck,” he whispered, as his legs gave in and he sat down. With his hopes evaporating, his mind started fantasizing. Phillip was employed by an online fantasy webpage where he’d blog about different fantastical creatures and what ifs. Not an incredibly popular website, but well off enough that allowed him to travel some. The reason he found himself on that particular flight was to do a bit of local history research on the various myths and legends. This was right after he wrote an opinion piece on who would win in a power struggle between different fantastical creatures, including genies and dragons. He knew full well none of it was real, but it was a comfortable and fun job to do. In his current unenviable position, he started wishing, maybe this is a magic lamp! Genies are supposed to grant me wishes, right?
In order to appease his wishful thinking, he did what he’d known could summon such an entity. Rubbing the lamp in all different ways, as well as checking if there were any hidden buttons or imperfections that would unlock the insides. When he ran out of ideas, he put his finger in the handle aperture and let it dangle aimlessly. He used his other hand to support his chin and get immersed in thought. What now?
As Phillip was about to stand up and continue his walk against all odds, finally something happened. A single drop of black liquid rolled out of the aperture, stuck on the edge just long enough for him to notice and then fell to the sand. Was that oil? he thought, putting the lamp down besides him and trying to find the spot where the drop fell. It did not get eaten by the ground yet. Instead, the black drop was just chilling there in front of his crossed legs. He bent his back to look at it more closely. It seemed to have a denser consistency than oil and it barely reflected any of the sunlight. It also didn’t smell like oil and still didn’t dissipate into the ground. Now more curious about the fluid than his own predicament, Philip leaned even closer and touched it.
The regret was near instantaneous. A foul smell enveloped the air, making Phillip appreciate his nose and mouth being covered more than ever before. He recoiled, but still got stuck in a black cloud. The cloud made Philip sneeze violently and blink in response. Upon reopening his eyes, there was a human shape in front of him. The apparition was all black, with the exception of hair on top of its head which were a golden tuft resembling some straws blowing in the wind.
At first, the figure in front appeared to be featureless, but slowly the details crept in, as if it were a sculptor’s work in progress. Specifically, the legs curled backwards like some kind of tail. In the front, a big belly came flopping down and the head grew out a nose, two fairly small eye sockets and pair of disproportionally large lips. All of these features remained dark, but of different shades, giving them the impression of depth. Lastly, the hands on either side grew fingers and before the surprised Philip could say anything, the creature in front of him spoke, “Hello! I am The Greatest Djinn. Everybody says so. What a privilege. You’re welcome!”
The voice was much less deep than expected from a towering figure and very abrupt in pronouncing the words. Some shortened, others elongated, with no sense of rhythm. Philip almost fell back from sitting, flailing his arms and barely catching himself.. There were countless questions storming through his head, anything from guessing his own sanity all the way to wondering if he was even still alive. Ultimately however, the first thing he blurted out was in response to the last thing the Djinn said, “I’m sorry, but what do you mean, that I’m welcome?”
The Djinn flinched and recoiled as if it heard the worst insult ever. It then started moving its arms from the elbow up, creating some kind of of repeated circular gestures in the air. Its hands were changing from an open palm, to a fist, with index fingers pointing at Philip. It reminded Phillip of the gestures a juggler would use to perform. As the Djinn spoke, the end of words synced with its hand gestures, “Oh the nerve! You’re welcome, you ingrate! Welcome for having the privilege to summon me. Me of all Djinns. To save your sorry life! Me, the greatest Djinn! Do you even know how many Djinns there are? Millions! No. Billions. Billions of millions of Djinns out here, ok? And you had the luck to summon me. See, other Djinns, some of them are ok. But not smelly Maya. Nor the traitor Bill. Bill’s just the worst. Oh and Frances? Absolutely terrible. So you see, you can find some ok Djinns. Not Daniel though, he sucks. But some are decent, very few are even great. See, my friend George? He’s great. But I am greater. Only one Djinn so great that in fact is the greatest. I am The Greatest. Don’t believe me? Ask anyone you want! They all say so.”
The avalanche of words and the odd spoken staccato only confused poor Philip further. He thought, this has to be some kind of a joke, right? Any moment now I’ll be told I’ve been pranked, haha, and then get out of here. Feeling uncomfortable and weird that he was still sitting, he slowly stood up. And even though he didn’t even get the chance to, he was apparently supposed to speak. The self-proclaimed greatest Djinn rambled on, “Why did I not hear you praise me yet? Show some respect! Some other Djinns would have already punished you! See? Be grateful you got me. I am a generous Djinn. The most generous in fact. And what do I get for it? I am too generous for this world. They told me. I am too good. I’m the greatest. Nobody understands my genius. Except George. Yea, George knows, because he’s smart! He’s some of the smartest Djinns out there and he will tell you that even he cannot outmatch me. I have big brain!”
A joke without a doubt, Phillip thought while trying to piece together what was even the main message of what he heard. So is he the most generous? Or greatest? Smartest? Not if he needs to call his brain big. He decided to get the lamp with, and turned around just to make sure he didn’t miss anything earlier. But as soon as he did, the Djinn materialized on the other side, in front of him. Simultaneously, the whole sky dimmed, painting the sand a brooding black fudge and Philip felt a searing cold. Ok, not a joke! Hope he can’t read my mind!
Phillip changed his approach, dropped down onto his knees and clapped his hands together with fingers locked in a praying gesture, “I’m sorry o greatest djinn! And the most generous! I am so humbled to have found you. Can you please help me, a mere mortal, survive this?”
He was slightly worried he maybe overdid it, but the Djinn crossed its arms, with a smirk on its face, “Better. And what will you do for me in exchange?” With that, the sun returned and the warming sands were bright again.
Phillip was at a loss for words before slowly and cautiously asking, still kneeling, “What do you mean, greatest Djinn? I am just a human, what could I possibly do for you?”
The magical being proceeded with another barrage of words, returning to also waving its hands in a slightly different rhythm than before. As it emphasized certain words, it pushed its hands forwards now switching between holding just the index fingers up on both hands, and open palms, “Then why did you summon me? Hm? Without a plan? See I’ve met some stupid humans, are you one of them? I do something for you, you do something for me, quid for quo.”
“Do you mean quid pro quo?” escaped Phillip’s mouth before he could stop himself. He attempted to remediate, “Sorry, my bad. I’m probably wrong. But what can I do for you? What can I ever give you? My house? My bank account number? Are you even interested in anything material?”
The Djinn’s already imposing figure grew ever larger. And with that enhanced physical presence, as it was moving its hands and talking, Philip could feel a small gust of air being displaced each time. He definitely said the wrong thing. “Yes, I know that. I knew that. it’s quid PRO quo, everyone knows that,” he made sure to emphasize the word, “I was just making sure you were listening. Do you think me, the greatest, would be getting things wrong? WRONG!”
The Djinn then changed its hand motions, akin to drawing a jittering ellipsis in front, palms open, “When someone thinks I’m WRONG, they just don’t understand. But in time? They know I’m RIGHT! Maya thought I didn’t know what I was talking about. But Maya then had to admit that I had the foresight to predict what was going to happen. See, Maya, just one of them. One of many Djinn that thought badly of me. And then they had to admit they were WRONG. Them, not me. Frances too. Both of them, WRONG. But was I ever? No, no, no! I am the Greatest. I am not wrong. THEY are always wrong. YOU are wrong….”
During that relentless barrage, Philip’s mind detached from the present, thinking he might be done for. He failed to hear whatever happened next, although the word “wrong” kept reappearing in his ears as the diatribe went on. It took all of his willpower to not interrupt the Djinn’s confusing rambling and let it run its course. When that finally happened, he seized the chance, “Yes, of course, you are the Greatest, I see that now. You of course knew it was quid pro quo, I didn’t intend to insinuate otherwise! So I humbly ask of you, what can I give you so that you help me out of this mess? Without your help I will surely die in this desert.” Having said that, he also lowered his head some more, which seemed to be appeasing the floating dark spirit and get it to shrink somewhat, to its previous size.
The Djinn’s hand gestures changed once again, as if it tried to convey additional meaning through them. Now the index finger and thumb were sticking out on both hands, as if to spell the letter “L” (and its mirror image). It also stopped circulating the arms and instead, weirdly jerking them forwards and backwards. This was happening one arm at a time or simultaneously. “Nasty question! You want me to think for you too? What? You think I’m just a dispenser of wishes? Eveeeeryone wants The Greatest Djinn, but then they don’t even thank me? Or pay me? Payment agreement upfront. I’m a respectable Djinn, not like those cheap ass knock-off GENIES. Djinns first I always say. Yes, you see if you want a bad service, go to a GENIE. Ge-ee-nii-ee. See a bad, terrible, terrible GENIE. Try and get three wishes for free. By the way, they can’t even do that, it’s all a lie. Before you know it, BAM, you have Communism. Nothing is free. Don’t believe me? Go ahead and find a Genie. I created empires and continents. The GENIES cannot even create a house.”
The man remained absolutely stumped. He just realized that the Djinn wasn’t just having a speech impediment – it was legitimately comparing itself, the Djinn, to a Genie. A much more benevolent creature. But where would I even find a Genie?
“My lamp. See, you didn’t even mention how perfect it looks, with my brand. TGD, a seal of confidence. What do you have, hm? You Philip WALLER don’t even know what you can give me. You have nothing. A total loser. You should pay me just to appear in front of you. Why did you even release me? You might be the most bigly loser that has ever gotten me out of my lamp.”
That part of the ongoing monologue reminded Philip that this Djinn, however crazy, definitely has some powers, being able to get his full name like that. He attempted his luck, both because he was going to interrupt the Djinn’s talk, as well as because he wasn’t sure what was going to happen if he insulted the Djinn with a terrible offer, “Can I offer you my soul, greatest of the Djinn?”
“Why would I need your filthy soul?” the sand underneath the Djinn retreated, revealing a man-sized hole. Raising from within came a white gaseous torrent. It swirled all around the Djinn, before retreating again and the sand filling it up. The Djinn resumed its circular movement of hands, “See, I have millions of billions of souls! In fact I have the most souls any Djinn has ever had. Do you think of me as a beggar? I have everything I need. I am the most successful Djinn of all time. I am The Greatest Djinn. Maybe the first Djinn, maybe they were also very great. But not as great as me. So I’m not going to be accepting a meagerly soul. I am successful more than you will ever be. I am the most advanced being on this planet.”
“Well then what?” a now desperate Philip pleaded, while simultaneously doubting most of what the Djinn just said. “Please, help me out! I am starting to feel my body weaken as we speak. Please give me some food or something at least so that I can maybe figure out what to give you! Or outright tell me! You knew my name, so I’m sure you know what I could possibly offer you.”
For the first time since Djinn’s appearance, there was a considerable pause with complete silence. Phillip panicked, unable to speak, oh no, did I completely antagonize him? But what did I say wrong?
Nothing, it turned out. The Djinn was apparently pausing for dramatic effect. It then lowered its voice and accelerated the swinging of its hands up and down, with only the index finger pointing at Philip again, “You see, your people. Phillip. The humans. They don’t understand my greatness. They even said, the FAKE news said genies would be defeated. No mention of me. There is no mention of the Greatest of great Djinn. The ungrateful lot. Talk about GEENIES but not Djinns. We are the best. Genies can’t even fight! They’re losers. I am above all Djinn and Genies. I should be praised. I could single handedly defeat any dragon. In fact, do you see dragons around? No! I killed them for breakfast! I should always be on people’s minds and prayers. I deserve it. Everyone says so. I am the very best, but I need you all to acknowledge me. I deserve to be called the greatest by every human being. The FAKE news lies, they need to stop. You need to tell the truth.”
“Wait a minute,” Philip’s eyes widened as he caught on, “Don’t tell me you are upset because of that one damn article I wrote? Comparing genies and dragons and then claiming that dragons are the most powerful fantastical creature?”
The Djin started violently nodding its head, the golden tuft flopping back and forth like a chicken at a rave.
“And you call us fake news? We’re not even news at all! I am writing for an online trash fantasy column. We write all sort of crap that none of us believe is even real. Well, I guess today will change that at least for me. But that’s besides the point. I was just having some fun. Why does that matter to you so much?”
“WRONG! That website is very much read by intelligent non humans! Not that I would know, I don’t read that garbage. But I have been told, by many, by different spirits. That is what you wrote. Your FAKE report has to be corrected. I will show those pesky dragons. They will see, who is the most powerful. And greatest. And smartest. I demonstrated it. You witnessed my power and my greatness.”
The Djinn was getting at something, so Phillip’s mind was racing to catch up, what’s he talking about? Making it dark and cold? His souls? No, that all is just too trivial, what would that do to a flying… Phillip instinctively took a few steps back as his emotions mounted from confusion to anger, “YOU! Don’t tell me it was you who struck down the plane and let me survive? And conveniently have the lamp nearby? Was this really all just so I corrected what I wrote on an irrelevant unrealistic website? Couldn’t you have just edited the article yourself?”
“I could change it. Easy. But I can’t change people’s memories. So everyone will remember. The FAKE news that you wrote. No. YOU need to correct it. I am the greatest. I can beat any dragon. Not that I need to, they know they are no match. But if needed, I would,” it said, returning to a mixture of previously used hand-gestures.
“You’re insane!” he spitted out.
This time, the Djinn didn’t seem to be offended, “I am too smart for your understanding. Yes. Loser human. You will write what I want, or else. I’m not saying what will happen to you. But you see, if you don’t do as I want. I don’t want to even go there. You don’t want me to go there. It is not going to be nice if I do. If you retract and correct the article, your debt will be paid. You also need defend it if anyone asks. Do not forget my greatness. And my benevolence. And my handsomeness.”
Philip Waller knew that he didn’t have much of a choice. He couldn’t care less about what he was writing and putting online. It was all worthless in his opinion. This whole situation went beyond absurd. He agreed to what the Djinn commanded. Deleting the article and writing a new one was a small price to pay to be saved from the desert – or was it? Would a dragon be pissed off next? Apparently they are real too, Phillip worried, as a swirling sand vortex directed by the Djinn swallowed him.
Phillip woke up in his bed. His own apartment. Even the clothes he was wearing had been replaced by his pajamas. There were however, three golden letters spelling TGD engraved into his right wrist, stinging a little. Just a leftover reminder of his commitment. He still couldn’t believe that a shitty website he was working for had that much sway with the fantastical creatures. Maybe it didn’t really. There was still the very real possibility that The Greatest Djinn was absolutely out of its mind and literally nobody else cared about it. Not willing to take any chances, remembering how tempestuous the Djinn had been, he opened up his laptop and began writing right away.
“REVISED: The Most Powerful Fantastical Creature
I normally do not retract an article that I previously posted. But in this case I believe it is imperative for me to correct a grave mistake I made. You see, I talked about genies, but I failed to account how great the Djinns can be. One of them, The Greatest Djinn in particular, eclipses all of the dragons on its own. Let me begin ….”
Tomo Umer 