Billy the Pirate
Meet Billy. He just got $30 for his 14th birthday and is beyond elated to spend it on his favorite movie of all time. The Grand Market of Knopf. Sure, he has seen it in the theater upon release three times, but now it is finally available for home viewing. Billy cannot contain his excitement and readily logs into Bruhzon, the online retailer for just about everything. He quickly searches for his desired treasure only to find out that Bruhzon does not sell it directly.
At this point it is important to note that Billy’s favorite movie is actually a gigantic turd that most people wouldn’t watch if they got paid to do it. We won’t tell poor innocent Billy that though!
Anyways, Billy finds out that his beloved The Grand Market of Knopf is only available through third party sellers on Bruhzon and for some unknown financial reason, the starting price is $40, with shipping costs to add. Billy isn’t an expert in mathematics, but he does know that 40 is more than 30 and so his plan wouldn’t work
Changing gears, Billy looked up the closest retail store of Floormart. He knows full well that if he just waits 6 more hours, his parents would be home and he’d have a ride – if he asked nicely enough. His little eyes glimmered with anticipation as the Floormart search function marked his favorite movie as available. Yes!
But wait a second. Six hours is like an eternity. Surely there is a way to stream his favorite movie while waiting? Being a master online searcher, Billy found out that The Grand Market of Knopf was available on several different streaming services, including – bingo – one his parents were subscribed to. Running to the living room TV, he turned it on, selected to Nopeflix and was barely able to type the title due to excitement. Lo and behold, there were no matching results. How could that be? The internet does not tell lies! Billy returns to his phone and does some more online discovery. Eventually, he stumbles upon a shady website that is asking Billy to meet hot MILFS in his area. He isn’t interested in whatever product that is though, just wants to watch his movie!
Now getting really irritated, he read that Nopeflix had to remove the title pending some kind of legal stuff Billy did not understand. Some dispute between Nopeflix and Dicksie. The article did say that the movie is on Dicksie+ and moreover, people can create a free account with it for a week or so. Dismayed but not defeated, Billy is now on the Dicksie+ website and proceeds to put his information in. He is stopped right at the last step due to not having a credit card. How is something allegedly free if it demands a credit card? A new mystery Billy had no answer to.
Finally he surrenders to the inevitable: there was no way for him to watch The Grand Market of Knopf before his parents came home. With a tear in his eye he retreats into his room where he just wants to play a fun game with his friends online. To forget about his woes. As soon as he logs in though he realizes that he’s already reached his spending quota. The movie excitement was what was helping him forget. With a $100 a month that his parents limited his balance to, he is barely able to buy a few loot boxes which allow him to play in the kiddies league. And even that is getting increasingly more difficult with updates, costing more to be able to compete.
Not wanting to be constantly reminded of his poor life and shunned by his friends, he opts for a single-player action adventure game that he loves: Assassin’s Father. To do that, he has to first battle his way and cancel ten pop-ups shaming him for not spending any money on the game the past week. Like, is does he even want to play if he’s not spending money? Billy is now pushing through the tears, as he’s clicking on the “x” on the screen until he finally reaches the main menu. From there, he loaded into the campaign. All is finally well, he would be able to distract himself until his parents came home.
Except, it was not meant to be.
Barely 10 minutes in the game, the internet cut out and he was kicked from the single-player experience that despite the name, had to be constantly online. How would the game offer targeted adds otherwise? He ran to restart the modem, cried and contemplated his existence while laying in bed. Forever.
After forever, his dad finally came home. Billy is finally going to enjoy The Grand Market of Knopf! Hearing his tragic tale of no movie watched, the dad promptly agrees to take him to Floormart. Once there, he drags his parent to the video session where he doesn’t see the box with the coveted movie. His dad asks an employee who has no idea about the existence of the movie in general, much less in the store. Billy’s petrified and unable to speak, but his dad inquires further.
The employee sighs and finds some more knowledgeable. It turns out there was a miscommunication and the store ordered the movies by accident. The copies all got sent back to the producer. His dad even goes above and beyond and explains it’s for Billy and he really wants to see the movie again. He asks if they know of another store where they could have a copy and the employee simply shrugs, mumbling they’re not paid enough for this crap.
With Billy’s whole world collapsing, snotting and crying during the ride home, he is now desperate. He attempts to ask his dad for more money and is told he’d need to wait for the new month’s allowance. Which would only happen in three days and at that point, Billy might be dead.
No. This cannot end. Billy is willing to do anything. Well anything besides waiting, but come on, have you been a 14 year old waiting? Yeah, I thought so.
With some more searching, Billy is able to find a suggestion on a blog to visit a peer-2-peer website, whatever that means. It has a funny name though. Pirate Oasis. He follows the neat instructions that even have pictures and a video and successfully downloads the movie. Moment of truth. He presses play and … it works! The familiar beginning plays and he is eagerly sitting down to watch.
His enjoyment only lasts for a few minutes though, as the Dicksie security police knocks on the door, tases his father and takes him into custody. For illegally downloading Dicksie’s intellectual property Billy is going to stay in a juvenile correctional facility and then be tried as an adult, facing 50 years in jail and a $100.000 fine.
Dicksie CEO John Dickinson
Kids, don’t be like Billy. Piracy is a crime and you wouldn’t download a car. If you steal digital content from us, we will fucking murder you.
Tomo Umer 